You're stingrays? Wow, that's uh ... cool.

Sorry for the lack of terrible, uneducated updates, but apparently when you attend a University, you have to show them you know what you're doing before you graduate. Jerks.

Currently, by Boyfriends are ahead 8-1 against the Rays in the top of the 6th. This is me, shocked. We squeaked by 4-3 last night and lost PRETTY BAD the game before that against the Rays. CAN WE PULL IT OFF? WILL I FINISH MY CAPSTONE? HOW DO YOU TURN OFF CAPS LOCK?

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain.

Rained out in BAWSTON? Oh, lawdy!

This is my message to you-ou-ou.

Looks like Ichabod is on the DL due to a headless horseman I MEAN shoulder injury:

Crain last pitched on Friday night against the Angels, when he gave up four runs in one-third of an inning. Twins general manager Bill Smith said that the shoulder issue first popped up during that outing.

An MRI on Crain's shoulder didn't reveal any structural damage, only slight inflammation. But the Twins felt the best decision this early in the season was to be cautious and give Crain plenty of time to get rid of the inflammation.

Oy.  Looks like we're gonna have to brig in a new starter, Jose Mijares.  No idea who that clown is, but hopefully he can do the job.

In other WHAT THE F news, looks like Torii "Superfluous Vowel" Hunter said he'd like to finish off his career back with the Twinks:

According to a report in the Pioneer Press, the Angels outfielder told Jim Rantz, the club's director of Minor Leagues, that he would like to finish his career with the Twins.

That is, once Hunter fulfills his five-year, $90 million contract with the Angels.

Hm.  Won't he be, like, 76 by then?  No matter, because Gardy is down for it:

"I'll open the door for him just about any time. He's one of my favorites," Gardenhire said. "If I'm lucky enough and fortunate enough to be here then, and he's looking for a job, we'll probably work something out."

In some 4/20 related news, I guess Bob Marley gets the Twins all hot and bothered, resulting in wins:

Since the Twins first started playing Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" after Thursday's loss to the Blue Jays, the club is now 3-0.

So it seems like the reggae is here to stay.

...

After getting blown out in three of four games against the Blue Jays to start the homestand, the Twins took the message from their manager Ron Gardenhire on Thursday night to heart. That message was not to panic, but rather to stick together and keep rooting for each other and the wins would start coming.

Adorable.

Tomorrow we meet up with THE SAWX!  OH MY GAWD!  NO-MAHR!

Baby, come back.

Looks like Dreamyburns might be back in the game in May:

We'll see where we're at and how he's feeling," Gardenhire said. "If he looks like he's ready to head this way then we'll do it. If not, we give him a few more days."

FINALLY.  And if he's gonna pull this "oh nooo I sprained my ovary" crap all season, I am TOTALLY calling off our engagement.

Also, it's the top of the 8th, and we're ahead of the Angels 3-1.  LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY.

UPDATE:

Yeah we won, 3-1, no big deal.  Next we deal with the Red Sox ... ohhh boy.

Have no fear.

Twins: 9, Angels: 2 (!!!!!!!!!)

Basically, I think Jason Kubel should be cloned and form his own team, the Minnesota Kubes.

Also, holler atcha, Kevin "Caution: Slow Children" Slowey.

Back to normal blogging soon, once I stop drinking heavily, one of these nights.

Work that cycle, Kubes.

Oh em gee, JASON KUBEL!  LAST NIGHT.  11-9!  SWOON!

Angels in the outfield?

I don't want to talk about last night's game, except for this quote on Yahoo! News about Halladay from Cuddyer:

“He could go out there one day and just throw all cutters and beat you, and then he could go out there one day and just throw all sinkers and beat you, and then he could go out there and throw all curveballs one day and beat you,” Cuddyer said. “Today he had all three of ‘em. … It’s hard to find a better pitcher over the last seven or eight years than him.”

No no no no no, Cuddy.  It wasn't just Halladay; you are just a shite batter.

Anyway, 7 pm tonight we play the Angels.  What's lamer; an angel or a twin?  WE WILL SEE.

I wish Burt had Twitter.

I had to quit watching after the 7th last night, it was just too painful.

But, today is a new day and with it a new matchup of the Twins and Jays.  Likely pitching for Minnesota is Liriano.  Also, Gardy is thinking about benching Crede tonight to give the man, who has started 9 or the last 10 games, a rest.  That robot back he has now better hold up ...

Also, the only two (really??) African-Americans on the Twins, Span and Young, shared some of their thoughts about last night's anniversary marking Jackie Robinson's entry into baseball:

"He was an angel sent from God, I feel. Not that many people could go through what he went through. Because of him, I'm here today." [Denard Span]

That's pretty damn powerful.  Young added:

"He did a lot for the game," Young said of Robinson. "It brought people who probably never watched baseball to watch baseball, to see a person succeed in a game they weren't supposed to succeed at, at that time."

Here's hoping the boys, after another suck-fest last night, can throw down a win tonight against the Dirty Blue Birds so I don't have to wash my face with my own tears before I go to bed.

Toronto Dirty Birds.

1b: MORNEAU

2b: CASILLA

3b: CREDE

SS: PUNTO

C: REDMOND

RF: CUDDYER

CF: GOMEZ

LF: SPAN

PITCHING:

BAKER

HUMBER

DICKEY

TOP O' THE 2nd:

Looks like we're ahead, 2-0.  I like seeing that.  I also like that I couldn't watch the game last night, so as I was getting massively hammered, I checked the score on the news crawl at the bottom of ESPN.  Go me!

Baker is pitching! EEEEEE!  And Dickey is in the bullpen ... teehee.  I love Dickey jokes, because I'm a 7-year old.

And a game-tying homer by Roland.  Awesome? 

BOTTOM O' THE 2nd:

This guy says the Jay's pitcher studied Baker in the offseason.  No big deal ...

Redmond is up.   Like I said before, I think he sort of looks like a burn victim.  Like, in a good way ... ?  I know that sounds judgmental, but that's okay because I'm judgmental.  

Here comes Dirty Punto!  He looks like he's pocket-sized.  Oh cute, he's 5'9" according to MLB.com.  You could fit him in a teacup with a lump of sugar.  Bounces one to short and is tagged out.

TOP O' THE 3rd:

Merle Harmon died today, who was an announcer for Twins, Brewers, etc. games.  Aw.  This has been a bad, bad couple of weeks for baseball.

OH SHIT, another two-run homer for the Jays.  I'm annoyed.  2-4 now.

WHAT, AND ANOTHER???  Baker is not amused.  Why do all these players have #42 on the back of their jerseys?

Gomez ends the inning with a catch deep in center.  Finally. 2-5.

BOTTOM O' THE 3rd:

And here's Gomez as the lead-off batter, but is put away at 1st.  He did a sweet slide, though.

Span is up, lookin' fine.  Hits it to the gap in center, makes it a single. 

Oooh, Casilla.   Span is getting a little Denarded, trying to sneak another base.  Please, if you can manage to get on base, that's really all you need to do.  Most Twins can't even do that, so don't screw it up, mister.  Casilla is taking his time.  And he's walked.

MORNEAUUU! Some chick had a "marry me, Morneau" sign and Dick's like, "a little late - he got married in the off-season."  Please, girl.  You're wasting your time.  He hits one, but Casilla is tagged out at 2nd and Morneau makes it to 1st.

Kubes hits one, but gets a third out and the inning's over.

TOP O' THE 4th:

Baker is still pitching.  Oh, spectacular, there's another homer.  That's the 4th off of Baker.  I just threw up in my mouth.

OH DUH, #42 is for Jackie Robinson, because today is the 60-somethingth anniversary of him breaking the color barrier.  "The color barrier" is a lame, lame term.  But you go, Jackie.

BOTTOM O' THE 4th:

Cuddyer, obviously, is put away quickly.  Here's Crede, but he's retired too.

Aaaand here's Redmond, fresh out a burning building.

TOP O' THE 5th:

Phillip Humber?  Who is this clown?

BOTTOM O' THE 5th

Dick, Burt, and Ron are discussing Gomez being too young and too eager to hit the ball.  I agree; he'll just get buck wild on the first pitch, rather than being patient like Span or Mauer and taking it in stride.  Still, he's fun to watch.

And that inning went quick.

TOP O' THE 6th:

Weird; the ball bounced off the foot of a Jays player while he was running, making him automatically out.  I have never seen that before.

And then some wiggity-wack business happened ... Casilla misses a hit, Gomez grabs it and tosses it to 3rd, which hits a runner in the back of the head - he goes for home then runs back to 3rd, and finally Morneau tosses it back to Crede at 3rd, but he's called safe.  SHENANIGANS!

OH NO, A BEACH BALL ON THE FIELD!  EVERYBODY PANIC!

Okay, the bases are loaded with 2 outs.  Can we please get this 3rd out now so I don't have to have a heart attack?

Oh sweet, they scored twice.  8 to 2.  Is it too late to be a Yankees fan now?

Dickey's on the mound. Teeheehee.  Oh, and what's that?  The Jays score again?  

The inning ends with the Twins behind, 9-2.

BOTTOM O' THE 6th:

Morneau is put away, and here's Kubel.  And he's put away at first, too.

Ohh, CUDDY.  Hits one high into center, but it's caught.  That was quick.

TOP O' THE 7th: 

Oh my goodness, we're missing balls left and right.  Our fielding is embarrassing tonight.

And it's now 10-2.  Why am I still watching?

BOTTOM O' THE 7th:

Gomez is getting all frustrated and worked up.  C'mon, GoGo.  And he's put away.

My Man Span ... aw, and the inning's over.  Christ.

FINAL: 12-2, Jays.

VERDICT:

Um, where did our fielding skills go?  And batting ... where's that?

omg

twins won tonight, i got drunk, let's please celebrate

Give me a homer hanky, and I'm set.

The list of the best and worst baseball promotions is in from ESPN, and looks like they weren't impressed by the Morneau fishing lure being offered 1 May:

Justin Morneau Fishing Lure (Twins, May 1)
This is different from the large wad-of-money lure the Red Sox or Yankees will use to reel in Morneau when he become a free agent.

You hush your mouth, ESPN.  I don't want any of that talk about Morneau ditching us ... although it's inevitable. LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU DICKS LA LA SHUT UP LA LA LA.

And the ridiculous Kent "Can I PLEASE buy a vowel?" Hrbek bobblehead makes the worst list, which I can't really disagree with:

Kent Hrbek Bobblehead Night (Twins, June 19)
Unfortunately, it's not a very accurate likeness of Mr. Hrbek. It could use way more neck bulge.

Hey, I love all my classic Twins players, but let's admit it: dude is HUGE.

On the brighter side, my beloved Dreamyburns was mentioned in one of their best promos for this season:

Joe Mauer Bronze Statue (Twins, April 18)
Treasure this moment, captured forever in bronze, in which Joe Mauer was not hurt.

Yeah, LOL JOE MAUER IS HURT ALL THE TIME!  OMG TWITTER LOL BRB!  I guess they're giving that shit away on Saturday, so I'd recommend making it to the Dome if you want a physical piece of evidence that Mauer at one time actually played baseball.

Read this list, though; there are some pretty killer promos, like Beerfest in Oakland.  Those A's have to drown their sorrows somehow.

eh, jays?

13 April, 7:10 pm

vs. Blue Eh's

1b: MORNEAU

2b: CASILLA

3b: BUSCHER

C: MORALES

RF: CUDDYER

CF: SPAN

LF: YOUNG

SS: PUNTO

PITCHING:

SLOWEY

GUERRIER

 BRESLOW

AYALA

DICKEY

TOP O' THE 5TH:

Great.  I start watching and this Toronto Turd Burglar just got a home run.  It's 5 to 3.

Slow-children-ey, lookin' good.  Apparently we were doing well before I started watching.

NOOOOO, Hill hits one to center and it's missed after a diving catch.  Oh well, he only got to first.  I wonder if the Jays drink maple syrup together before the game and sing a rousing chorus of "O Canada?"

And Punto keeps it in his glove, putting the second runner away.  I LOVE YOU, DIRTY PUNTO!

Good to see Morneau rather than Cuddy on 1st.  VERY GOOD to see.

I see Cuddy is in right field.  I like him there.  And I could get used to Morales behind home, since Dreamyburns is too busy being hurt and breaking my fragile heart.

Got him!  You talk into that glove, Slowey!  I LOVE YOU HAVE MY BABIES OMG I'M CREEPY.

BOTTOM O' THE 5TH:

Aww, Kirby Puckett.  My childhood hero.

Span is walked.  YOU SCURRRRED, Toronto??

Casilla bunts, gets credit for a sacrifice and Span gets to second.  Gomez and Casilla are super ballsy with all their bunts.  

Morneau, our Canadian transplant.  Maybe after the game he'll drink some syrup with his fellow Diet Americans?

HOLY SHIT, Morneau hits a nice double.  Perhaps he had some Canadian bacon before the game.

Span gets home thanks to my bearded boyfriend Jason Kubel. Now 6-3.

Oh, Cuddy.  Should I start crying now?  Nope, sacrifice fly, and an RBI.

Young gets put away, inning is over.  That was fairly boring.

TOP O' THE 6TH:

The guy behind me at the home opener got circled, too. I tried to jump in the shot, but I think that they started to turn off the camera when I got close.  I have a face for radio and blogging, folks.

SHIT.  Homer, and it's 6-5.  Slowey, what's wrong??  Looks like they're warming up Breslow (agh!).

Looks like it's time for a pitching change.  Guerrerererier!  Wait, according to my 4 semesters of French, I believe "Guerrier" means "warrior."  Or maybe I just made that up.

Stolen base.  I wouldn't say stolen; I think I saw that Canadian trade a beaver pelt for it.

Okay, another walk.  Warrior, listen.  This is no time to be scared of America's Hat.

And a badass double play, the end.

BOTTOM O' THE 6TH:

Apparently the Jays had the best bullpen in the AL last year.  Fun fact, care of Dick Bremer.

Another fun fact: the Cuban ballplayers are now going to have better communication with their families back in Cuba.  Namedroppin' Tony Oliva, Dick?  I like it.  

DIrty Punto is taking his time.  That totally sounded dirtier than I intended.  Punto is put away (teehee), and my main man Span is up.  Hits a two-out double against the wall in right field. 

Casilla, I like how you stick out your ass when you bat.  Span steals a base, and is now on 3rd.  Another pop fly ... oh, Casilla.  Stop that.  And it's over.

TOP O' THE 7TH:

When I typed "Guerrier" into google image search, it looked like a bunch of Norse Viking craziness.  Uhh ...

HI BAKER!  HI!  HI! HI HI HI HI!!  YOU'RE BACK!!  BAKER!  HI!

Morneau looks like he's just constantly totally confused. 

OHhh, and here comes Breslow.  After yesterday, the best I could say is I'm nervous.  Apparently, last year he was dating a few different teams, but he realized the only one for him was the Twins.  Guys always love twins.  

Wells traded a buffalo pelt for a base.  Sneeeeaakkyyyy.

And now I guess they're bringing in Ayala to finish the job.  I guess it takes a village to pitch a game?  And with that first pitch, a run is scored.  Welp ... there goes our lead, and it's now 6-6.  I'm gonna barf.

BOTTOM O' THE 7TH:

Young lady?  Celebrating her 89th birthday?  Burt.  C'mon.

Morneau is up.  Now is the time, Home Run Derby 2008 champ.  And his deep hit to right is caught.  

Kubes gets a base hit.  And HEEEEEEERE'S CUDDY!  Burt says his last home run was June 6th.  Yeah.  I'd have to believe that.  Chopper to second, and the inning is over.  THANKS!

TOP O' THE 8TH:

Jays get on 2nd right away.  I didn't know they let little league players pitch for our team? 

Oh boy, they're warming up Ichabod Crain.

OH JESUS.  HOMER.  TWO-RUN LEAD.  Warming up Dickey (teehee).

Another base hit, and Gardy's had enough.  Dickey's in (teehee)!  This is the knuckleball guy, I guess.

Infield hit.  Ball rolls away from Morales, and the runners advance to 2nd and 3rd.  This is a joke.

BOTTOM O' THE 8TH:

Harris hits it long and makes it to 2nd.  

And Delmon 3000 Young is up.  A wild pitch, and apparently Harris's belt explodes (presumably from his pants being unable to hold in all that awesomeness) as he makes it to 3rd.  Me likey!  Young strikes out, stranding Harris at 3rd.

Here comes Crede.  Oh.  Crap.  He's put away.  NOOOO.

Help us, Dirty Punto!  You're our only hope!  He's threatening to bunt.  AND HE'S RETIRED.  Honestly?  With Harris just chillin' there?  

TOP O' THE 9th:

SO.  Looks like it was a 1-2-3 jaunt.  Here's the deal.  We could easily get two runs if we wanted to ... but WILL WE???

BOTTOM O' THE 9th:

Here we go.  Span is up.  Two strikes.  Oh God.  Hits it into left, gets to 1st.  Hell yes.

I am currently unable to put together coherent, insightful sentences because I'm shitting razor blades.  

Casilla is up, and he wants it BAD.  But apparently the Jays want it worse, because OH LOOK, a double play.

Morneau ... listen.  I know you're playing your fellow countrymen, but seriously.  I don't want to fall asleep to the sound of my own tears.  Oh look, a base hit.  

KUUUUUUBEL.  I meant it.  Please do this ... Popped up, caught, and the end.

FINAL: 6-8, Blue Eh's

VERDICT: Too many Canada jokes.

Our pitching got shifty, our batting was pretty sad.  I take it back; The Eh's are a good team.  I guess there's always tomorrow.  That should seriously be the Twins team motto.

hey jays heyy.

Tonight at 7 pm we're up against the Toronto Blue Jays. Kevin "Caution: Slow Children" Slowey is pitching against the Jay's Litsch. Now, obviously, I don't know anything about this pitcher or really this entire team, but I'm hoping our boys are so pissed off about the last two games against the Shite Sox that they'll try a bit harder.

The Unspeakable Game yesterday, which I dutifully liveblogged for because I have no friends, was frustrating enough to watch, and apparently the players and Gardy were just as thrilled as I was:

"It was an ugly baseball game by us," Gardenhire said. "Blackburn threw the ball very well for us. We missed the ball, which is not the way we do things. We didn't play good defense, and offensively we just didn't have a lot of good at-bats."
...
"As one of my coaches said, we're just struggling a little bit," Gardenhire said. "We'll see if we can get home and get back on the right track. It was kind of ugly baseball here the last two [days]." (mlb.com)

Ugly: yes. Props to Blackburn and Young, though. Dreamyburns II did some solid pitching, and Delmon 3000 gave us our only home run of the day. Fortunately, Cuddyer came at the right time to ruin any good playing by both:

"Up to that point, Blackburn had not given up an earned run in the outing, as the first White Sox run scored on a two errors by first baseman Michael Cuddyer in the fifth inning." (mlb.com)

First of all, why the frick was Cud-Yer on first? I'm sure there was a legit reason stemming from Morneau needing rest of something, but ... CUDDY ON FIRST? That's an error in itself.

Here's hoping A.) We do much, much better against the Jays, B.) Slowey can hold it down, C.) Morneau is back in place, and D.) Eau Claire gets the Twins on some channel that doesn't require me to spend my night at a pub ... because I will be drunk if they play remotely anything like the past two games.

happy easter, my ass.

APRIL 12, 2009: 1:05 pm

@ Shite Sox

1b: CUDDYER

2b: HARRIS

3b: CREDE

C: REDMOND

RF: SPAN

CF: GOMEZ

LF: YOUNG (solo hr)

PITCHING:

BLACKBURN (6+ innings)

BRESLOW (3 seconds)

NATHAN (closes)

(I started blogging somewhere in the 2nd)

Young cranks one into the stands in the 2nd inning ... thanks be to Jesus, since I have no idea where he's been the past week and no idea if we're gonna be able to put that gross game yesterday (0-8) behind us.

Punto hangs out under an easy pop fly, but it flies out of his glove after he gets it. Seriously? Generally I think Punto is pretty good at fielding, although his batting is a little ... lacking at times. No worries, bottom of the 4th he redeems himself with a catch that, according to Dick, "stays in the glove." Yes, Dick, yes it did.

GOMEZ catches a hit in the bottom of the 4th, putting one away. Gomez is probably one of my favorite players. Why? First of all, I love his grasp on the English language ... which basically isn't there. Who cares, the man is hilarious. Two, the guy is insanely quick. I'd love to see my fat ass try to sprint from home to first with him. Third, one of my favorite moments from last season was seeing GOMEZ strike out (can't remember what game it was) and then CRACK - just snaps the bat over his knee. If i were the other team I probably would've started to cry. I can't wait to see what he can do this season as well as in the future.

Just for a moment, I'd like to get Denarded in here. Span is quickly becoming one of my favorite players. Dude can crank a decent run here and there and is pretty sick in the field. At the home opener our seats were right next to Span, and I spent the game pretty much staring him down and swooning. Like Gomez, I want to see what this guy can do in these upcoming seasons.

Pierzynski. I just ... want to ... AGH. Okay, fine dude, you're a former Twin. No need to be a total jackass to not only your former team, but basically everyone you ever some into contact with. And your hair; perhaps you're a giant Eminem fan? I think for my birthday in two weeks, when I blow out the candles, I'll wish for the opportunity to punch you in the face.

Bottom o' the 5th, 2:09, hour into the game:

Crede. You might become my new Twins boyfriend in the absence of Mauer (or "The Schnoz" as my dad calls him. Way to piss on my parade, dad), since apparently he's really into being injured and not in the game. Good choice on the number 24, which happens to be my favorite. That means we're practically engaged, yes?

37 fucking degrees in Chicago? My God. All those guys from down south are probably like, "yeah, listen ... trade my ass. For real. Somewhere warm. This is retarded."

Speaking of replacement boyfriends, heeeeey Blackburn. Love you long time.

SPAN! Again! CATCHIN' SHIT!

Burt does NOT like the mascot distracting Blackburn. He X'ed that shit, not thiriled that the mascot is "thinking he's a bunny today." Word, Burt.

Shit, Sox score. Cuddyer - not surprisingly - panicked, chased the ball, misses Morneau, and both runners advance. I just noticed that the word "panicked" contains a superfluous K, because I guess the C can't stand alone without sounding like an S. Anyway, Cuddyer pisses me off. I want him to do well, but he just continuously fucks up. Like he could've just been charged with a pair of errors right there. The pressure is on when he's batting - bases are loaded and there's two outs? You best believe guy's gonna choke. But I KNOW he's good, deep down, and I want him to do well. It's just that I have no hope after all his dumb bullshit. Also, my roommate, who is a Brewers fan, asks me how to pronounce his last name every day. CUD-year? cud-DYE-er? I choose to tell her the two-syllable option, until he stops sucking someday.

Top o' the 6th:

Speaking of nicknames, I totally love that my softball teammate Kevin says "Dirty Punto."

Oh shit, Quentin just did a sick diving catch. Dive, roll, catch, all with style.

Morneau is on deck. Listen, dude, help us out. Oh, just kidding, 1-2-3 inning and it's over.

Apparently, according to this commercial, for every hour you exercise you gain two on your life. And according to this commercial, Wyoming DOESN'T suck. News to me.

Bottom o' the 6th:

Crede does a slidey-thing to catch Thome's hit, doesn't make it, but manages to make me swoon.

Two run home-run by Thome. Shit. 543rd career home-run.

Konerko makes me nervous. But Gomez picks him off for out numero dos. I love his little ninja-mask. Dude's gotta be mighty cold.

God I love that commercial with Dreamyburns (Mauer) and Nathan. I need to remember to send that to my roommate, since she spent most of the home opener making me take pictures of Nathan's "hot ass" warming up.

Top o' the 7th:

Morneau put away. God.

Buehrle is sent away, replaced with this dude, number 26. Apparently that's Dotel. Duly noted. His first name is apparently Octavio, which is badass.

CUDDYER. Can we please do something worthwhile? He looks like my friend Darin. I don't think Darin is an amateur magician, although he's very good at making the ladies disappear ... OHHHHH! Anyway, Cuddyer for the 2nd out. Good work, tard.

Crede. So rugged, so powerful, so wearing his half-pants and tall socks. Yessss. He kinda looks like my ex-boyfriend, which makes me want to hate him, but I CAN'T. After his "All Out of Love" showdown Friday night, I am a definite fan. And he's walked.

Bottom o' the 7th:

Redmond is giving a talking-to to Breslow. Obviously it helped, since Breslow beaned the batter. Also, the other two have hit the dirt. Sweet pitching, man. I guess Crain is coming out. Boo, Breslow, Boo. Why can't we just throw like professionals and actually get some hits? I think they used it all up on Friday.

Alright, Ichabod Crain, let's do this. Oh, what's that? Your first pitch and another run for the Sox?

5-1, thanks to a slow tag by Redmond. Damn.

Top o' the 8th:

C'mon Gomez. Please. Hm ... that was a good pitch, but that means a strikeout.

Punto gets on base, possibly pulling something. After further inspection, I guess not.

Span is out. This is sad.

Bottom o' the 8th:

Nathan pitches, Dye hits a homer, Gomez almost gets it. Christ. This is embarrassing.

Redmond catches a foul, dude is out. I love Redmond, my little burn victim.

Pierzynski ... can we please have a crazed fan jump onto the field and like break his arm? Nope, base hit.

Number 31 really likes hitting fouls.

Dick reminds us 9 hits for the Sox, just 3 for the Twins. Thanks, Dick. I already want to hang myself.

Top o' the 9th:

Harris, infield base hit. Whatever, at least we're on base; although based on my softball hitting skills, I could also be playing for the Twins.

Morneau cracks one to center, goes to 1st and moves Harris to 2nd.

Oh, look; Cuddyer is up. My dad is already laughing. Prove me wrong. 1-0 ... 2-0 ... WALKED?? Okay ...

Jenks: Dad calls him an "ugly sucker." He doesn't appreciate the blond beard.

Crede: I love you. Make me proud. Bases loaded. MAKE ME PROUD. And ... struck out. I hate these Shite Sox fans.

Double play, and it's over.

FINAL: 6-1, Sox

VERDICT: Shat the bed.

Where's Kubel, Dreamyburns, Casilla? Slow-children-ey? Why is everyone injured? Why are we unable to help ourselves when our bases are loaded or when we have an easy pop-fly? The Sox are a good team, but not that good.