eh, jays?

13 April, 7:10 pm

vs. Blue Eh's

1b: MORNEAU

2b: CASILLA

3b: BUSCHER

C: MORALES

RF: CUDDYER

CF: SPAN

LF: YOUNG

SS: PUNTO

PITCHING:

SLOWEY

GUERRIER

 BRESLOW

AYALA

DICKEY

TOP O' THE 5TH:

Great.  I start watching and this Toronto Turd Burglar just got a home run.  It's 5 to 3.

Slow-children-ey, lookin' good.  Apparently we were doing well before I started watching.

NOOOOO, Hill hits one to center and it's missed after a diving catch.  Oh well, he only got to first.  I wonder if the Jays drink maple syrup together before the game and sing a rousing chorus of "O Canada?"

And Punto keeps it in his glove, putting the second runner away.  I LOVE YOU, DIRTY PUNTO!

Good to see Morneau rather than Cuddy on 1st.  VERY GOOD to see.

I see Cuddy is in right field.  I like him there.  And I could get used to Morales behind home, since Dreamyburns is too busy being hurt and breaking my fragile heart.

Got him!  You talk into that glove, Slowey!  I LOVE YOU HAVE MY BABIES OMG I'M CREEPY.

BOTTOM O' THE 5TH:

Aww, Kirby Puckett.  My childhood hero.

Span is walked.  YOU SCURRRRED, Toronto??

Casilla bunts, gets credit for a sacrifice and Span gets to second.  Gomez and Casilla are super ballsy with all their bunts.  

Morneau, our Canadian transplant.  Maybe after the game he'll drink some syrup with his fellow Diet Americans?

HOLY SHIT, Morneau hits a nice double.  Perhaps he had some Canadian bacon before the game.

Span gets home thanks to my bearded boyfriend Jason Kubel. Now 6-3.

Oh, Cuddy.  Should I start crying now?  Nope, sacrifice fly, and an RBI.

Young gets put away, inning is over.  That was fairly boring.

TOP O' THE 6TH:

The guy behind me at the home opener got circled, too. I tried to jump in the shot, but I think that they started to turn off the camera when I got close.  I have a face for radio and blogging, folks.

SHIT.  Homer, and it's 6-5.  Slowey, what's wrong??  Looks like they're warming up Breslow (agh!).

Looks like it's time for a pitching change.  Guerrerererier!  Wait, according to my 4 semesters of French, I believe "Guerrier" means "warrior."  Or maybe I just made that up.

Stolen base.  I wouldn't say stolen; I think I saw that Canadian trade a beaver pelt for it.

Okay, another walk.  Warrior, listen.  This is no time to be scared of America's Hat.

And a badass double play, the end.

BOTTOM O' THE 6TH:

Apparently the Jays had the best bullpen in the AL last year.  Fun fact, care of Dick Bremer.

Another fun fact: the Cuban ballplayers are now going to have better communication with their families back in Cuba.  Namedroppin' Tony Oliva, Dick?  I like it.  

DIrty Punto is taking his time.  That totally sounded dirtier than I intended.  Punto is put away (teehee), and my main man Span is up.  Hits a two-out double against the wall in right field. 

Casilla, I like how you stick out your ass when you bat.  Span steals a base, and is now on 3rd.  Another pop fly ... oh, Casilla.  Stop that.  And it's over.

TOP O' THE 7TH:

When I typed "Guerrier" into google image search, it looked like a bunch of Norse Viking craziness.  Uhh ...

HI BAKER!  HI!  HI! HI HI HI HI!!  YOU'RE BACK!!  BAKER!  HI!

Morneau looks like he's just constantly totally confused. 

OHhh, and here comes Breslow.  After yesterday, the best I could say is I'm nervous.  Apparently, last year he was dating a few different teams, but he realized the only one for him was the Twins.  Guys always love twins.  

Wells traded a buffalo pelt for a base.  Sneeeeaakkyyyy.

And now I guess they're bringing in Ayala to finish the job.  I guess it takes a village to pitch a game?  And with that first pitch, a run is scored.  Welp ... there goes our lead, and it's now 6-6.  I'm gonna barf.

BOTTOM O' THE 7TH:

Young lady?  Celebrating her 89th birthday?  Burt.  C'mon.

Morneau is up.  Now is the time, Home Run Derby 2008 champ.  And his deep hit to right is caught.  

Kubes gets a base hit.  And HEEEEEEERE'S CUDDY!  Burt says his last home run was June 6th.  Yeah.  I'd have to believe that.  Chopper to second, and the inning is over.  THANKS!

TOP O' THE 8TH:

Jays get on 2nd right away.  I didn't know they let little league players pitch for our team? 

Oh boy, they're warming up Ichabod Crain.

OH JESUS.  HOMER.  TWO-RUN LEAD.  Warming up Dickey (teehee).

Another base hit, and Gardy's had enough.  Dickey's in (teehee)!  This is the knuckleball guy, I guess.

Infield hit.  Ball rolls away from Morales, and the runners advance to 2nd and 3rd.  This is a joke.

BOTTOM O' THE 8TH:

Harris hits it long and makes it to 2nd.  

And Delmon 3000 Young is up.  A wild pitch, and apparently Harris's belt explodes (presumably from his pants being unable to hold in all that awesomeness) as he makes it to 3rd.  Me likey!  Young strikes out, stranding Harris at 3rd.

Here comes Crede.  Oh.  Crap.  He's put away.  NOOOO.

Help us, Dirty Punto!  You're our only hope!  He's threatening to bunt.  AND HE'S RETIRED.  Honestly?  With Harris just chillin' there?  

TOP O' THE 9th:

SO.  Looks like it was a 1-2-3 jaunt.  Here's the deal.  We could easily get two runs if we wanted to ... but WILL WE???

BOTTOM O' THE 9th:

Here we go.  Span is up.  Two strikes.  Oh God.  Hits it into left, gets to 1st.  Hell yes.

I am currently unable to put together coherent, insightful sentences because I'm shitting razor blades.  

Casilla is up, and he wants it BAD.  But apparently the Jays want it worse, because OH LOOK, a double play.

Morneau ... listen.  I know you're playing your fellow countrymen, but seriously.  I don't want to fall asleep to the sound of my own tears.  Oh look, a base hit.  

KUUUUUUBEL.  I meant it.  Please do this ... Popped up, caught, and the end.

FINAL: 6-8, Blue Eh's

VERDICT: Too many Canada jokes.

Our pitching got shifty, our batting was pretty sad.  I take it back; The Eh's are a good team.  I guess there's always tomorrow.  That should seriously be the Twins team motto.