happy easter, my ass.

APRIL 12, 2009: 1:05 pm

@ Shite Sox

1b: CUDDYER

2b: HARRIS

3b: CREDE

C: REDMOND

RF: SPAN

CF: GOMEZ

LF: YOUNG (solo hr)

PITCHING:

BLACKBURN (6+ innings)

BRESLOW (3 seconds)

NATHAN (closes)

(I started blogging somewhere in the 2nd)

Young cranks one into the stands in the 2nd inning ... thanks be to Jesus, since I have no idea where he's been the past week and no idea if we're gonna be able to put that gross game yesterday (0-8) behind us.

Punto hangs out under an easy pop fly, but it flies out of his glove after he gets it. Seriously? Generally I think Punto is pretty good at fielding, although his batting is a little ... lacking at times. No worries, bottom of the 4th he redeems himself with a catch that, according to Dick, "stays in the glove." Yes, Dick, yes it did.

GOMEZ catches a hit in the bottom of the 4th, putting one away. Gomez is probably one of my favorite players. Why? First of all, I love his grasp on the English language ... which basically isn't there. Who cares, the man is hilarious. Two, the guy is insanely quick. I'd love to see my fat ass try to sprint from home to first with him. Third, one of my favorite moments from last season was seeing GOMEZ strike out (can't remember what game it was) and then CRACK - just snaps the bat over his knee. If i were the other team I probably would've started to cry. I can't wait to see what he can do this season as well as in the future.

Just for a moment, I'd like to get Denarded in here. Span is quickly becoming one of my favorite players. Dude can crank a decent run here and there and is pretty sick in the field. At the home opener our seats were right next to Span, and I spent the game pretty much staring him down and swooning. Like Gomez, I want to see what this guy can do in these upcoming seasons.

Pierzynski. I just ... want to ... AGH. Okay, fine dude, you're a former Twin. No need to be a total jackass to not only your former team, but basically everyone you ever some into contact with. And your hair; perhaps you're a giant Eminem fan? I think for my birthday in two weeks, when I blow out the candles, I'll wish for the opportunity to punch you in the face.

Bottom o' the 5th, 2:09, hour into the game:

Crede. You might become my new Twins boyfriend in the absence of Mauer (or "The Schnoz" as my dad calls him. Way to piss on my parade, dad), since apparently he's really into being injured and not in the game. Good choice on the number 24, which happens to be my favorite. That means we're practically engaged, yes?

37 fucking degrees in Chicago? My God. All those guys from down south are probably like, "yeah, listen ... trade my ass. For real. Somewhere warm. This is retarded."

Speaking of replacement boyfriends, heeeeey Blackburn. Love you long time.

SPAN! Again! CATCHIN' SHIT!

Burt does NOT like the mascot distracting Blackburn. He X'ed that shit, not thiriled that the mascot is "thinking he's a bunny today." Word, Burt.

Shit, Sox score. Cuddyer - not surprisingly - panicked, chased the ball, misses Morneau, and both runners advance. I just noticed that the word "panicked" contains a superfluous K, because I guess the C can't stand alone without sounding like an S. Anyway, Cuddyer pisses me off. I want him to do well, but he just continuously fucks up. Like he could've just been charged with a pair of errors right there. The pressure is on when he's batting - bases are loaded and there's two outs? You best believe guy's gonna choke. But I KNOW he's good, deep down, and I want him to do well. It's just that I have no hope after all his dumb bullshit. Also, my roommate, who is a Brewers fan, asks me how to pronounce his last name every day. CUD-year? cud-DYE-er? I choose to tell her the two-syllable option, until he stops sucking someday.

Top o' the 6th:

Speaking of nicknames, I totally love that my softball teammate Kevin says "Dirty Punto."

Oh shit, Quentin just did a sick diving catch. Dive, roll, catch, all with style.

Morneau is on deck. Listen, dude, help us out. Oh, just kidding, 1-2-3 inning and it's over.

Apparently, according to this commercial, for every hour you exercise you gain two on your life. And according to this commercial, Wyoming DOESN'T suck. News to me.

Bottom o' the 6th:

Crede does a slidey-thing to catch Thome's hit, doesn't make it, but manages to make me swoon.

Two run home-run by Thome. Shit. 543rd career home-run.

Konerko makes me nervous. But Gomez picks him off for out numero dos. I love his little ninja-mask. Dude's gotta be mighty cold.

God I love that commercial with Dreamyburns (Mauer) and Nathan. I need to remember to send that to my roommate, since she spent most of the home opener making me take pictures of Nathan's "hot ass" warming up.

Top o' the 7th:

Morneau put away. God.

Buehrle is sent away, replaced with this dude, number 26. Apparently that's Dotel. Duly noted. His first name is apparently Octavio, which is badass.

CUDDYER. Can we please do something worthwhile? He looks like my friend Darin. I don't think Darin is an amateur magician, although he's very good at making the ladies disappear ... OHHHHH! Anyway, Cuddyer for the 2nd out. Good work, tard.

Crede. So rugged, so powerful, so wearing his half-pants and tall socks. Yessss. He kinda looks like my ex-boyfriend, which makes me want to hate him, but I CAN'T. After his "All Out of Love" showdown Friday night, I am a definite fan. And he's walked.

Bottom o' the 7th:

Redmond is giving a talking-to to Breslow. Obviously it helped, since Breslow beaned the batter. Also, the other two have hit the dirt. Sweet pitching, man. I guess Crain is coming out. Boo, Breslow, Boo. Why can't we just throw like professionals and actually get some hits? I think they used it all up on Friday.

Alright, Ichabod Crain, let's do this. Oh, what's that? Your first pitch and another run for the Sox?

5-1, thanks to a slow tag by Redmond. Damn.

Top o' the 8th:

C'mon Gomez. Please. Hm ... that was a good pitch, but that means a strikeout.

Punto gets on base, possibly pulling something. After further inspection, I guess not.

Span is out. This is sad.

Bottom o' the 8th:

Nathan pitches, Dye hits a homer, Gomez almost gets it. Christ. This is embarrassing.

Redmond catches a foul, dude is out. I love Redmond, my little burn victim.

Pierzynski ... can we please have a crazed fan jump onto the field and like break his arm? Nope, base hit.

Number 31 really likes hitting fouls.

Dick reminds us 9 hits for the Sox, just 3 for the Twins. Thanks, Dick. I already want to hang myself.

Top o' the 9th:

Harris, infield base hit. Whatever, at least we're on base; although based on my softball hitting skills, I could also be playing for the Twins.

Morneau cracks one to center, goes to 1st and moves Harris to 2nd.

Oh, look; Cuddyer is up. My dad is already laughing. Prove me wrong. 1-0 ... 2-0 ... WALKED?? Okay ...

Jenks: Dad calls him an "ugly sucker." He doesn't appreciate the blond beard.

Crede: I love you. Make me proud. Bases loaded. MAKE ME PROUD. And ... struck out. I hate these Shite Sox fans.

Double play, and it's over.

FINAL: 6-1, Sox

VERDICT: Shat the bed.

Where's Kubel, Dreamyburns, Casilla? Slow-children-ey? Why is everyone injured? Why are we unable to help ourselves when our bases are loaded or when we have an easy pop-fly? The Sox are a good team, but not that good.